CDNowak

“And I sought among them for a man that might set up a hedge, and stand in the gap before me in favour of the land, that I might not destroy it: and I found none.”
Ezekiel 22:30 - The verse that kept the fire alive for ten months in the monastery, suddenly popped into my head tonight.
“A woman is entitled to respect until and unless she does something to lose it. A man is not entitled to respect until and unless he does something to gain it…The man must repeatedly achieve: obtain, surpass, conquer….Insecurity is part of being a man, an essential part of the male role in society. Manhood is never secure: It must be claimed via public actions, risky things seen and validated by other people–and it can be lost.”
Dr. Roy F. Baumeister (via theoddjacket)
About Me, the Prequel

I touched on a bit of who your hatted servant is earlier, (Once a person has picked the wrong vocation,…).  In that post, which centered around my discernment struggles, I alluded to another major factor in who I am today.  

As ugly as my vocation stray has been, it is a picture of absolute serenity compared to my life growing up.  

I grew up in an abusive household, it took me nearly thirty years to actual put the name to it, but it was always clear that something wasn’t right.  

My mother ruled the house through fear: of her directly, of nebulous forces like the ‘school district’ and ‘DYFS’ (which had no real meaning to us as young children), of the rage she would elicit from our father and then release at us.

I have lost my father, twice.  First, as I entered adolescence and a young age when she pit us against each other (threatening to kick one or other of us out).  Then, again, when he had a heart attack on the road after another fight.

As a result, I have spent my entire life looking for an example of masculinity.  I knew from experience, that uxoriousness was a vice, and a deadly one at that.  There were a few figures who stood strong, but no full relationship that could serve as a basis for initiation into manhood.  

A large part of me is that 30 year old boy, raised by women that Tyler Durden appeals to.  Part of me desires to be the avenging hand of God a la the Boondock Saints, or V.  But I know that these inclinations are the last comforts of puerile fantasies.  I do not know is how to move forward, to give myself permission to call myself a man.

I do know that I find few examples of Masculinity in the Church.  Parish priests have, by the conditioning of the ages become nearly as feminized as the congregations they serve.  This in turn leads to a more feminine congregation, etc.

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Earlier versions of these posts are at RansomedHeart:

Where Your Hatted Servant Now Stands.

“A great dread fell on him, as if he was awaiting the pronouncement of some doom that he had long foreseen and vainly hoped might after all never be spoken. An overwhelming longing to rest and remain at peace by Bilbo’s side in Rivendell filled all his heart. At last with an effort he spoke, and wondered to hear his own words, as if some other will was using his small voice. 
“I will take the Ring,” he said, “though I do not know the way.” 

JRRTolkien

In my last post I disclosed the second driving factor, behind this mindset of mine.  Now I wish to reveal more of where my path seems to be heading.

Having been walking along the road of discernment for some time, I have observed both the glory and darkness of the process.  The few devoted priests, willing to help vocations to any order or diocese, woefully uninformed in variety of spiritual charisms in the many orders.  The vocations directors reduced to bribery.  Those who regard only a vocation to their own order as a true vocation.  (And that is just first impressions from a walk through of the Steubie Vocations Fair in a Stones shirt!)

The vocational process, such as it is and has become, has failed me.  I dare say that it fails a majority of those in discernment.  This is not something new, the crisis of priests leaving the priesthood was a rather big indicator that something was wrong.  The crisis in the seminaries that grew into the sexual abuse crisis afterwards was a sign of mal-correction.  The current trend back to the forms and formats of the pre-conciliar era laudable only in that it is an attempt to go back to where we went off the road.

The saints warned discerners not to delay discerning a possible call: “When Christ calls he demands such prompt obedience from us that we must not delay even an instant.” (St John Chrysostom); “when God calls someone to a more perfect state, he who does not want to put his eternal salvation in great danger must obey, and obey at once.” (St Alphonsus de Liguori); “the invitation to a more perfect life ought to be followed without delaying”.  Would that their words reach the ears of our present day formators!  ”Spend a year working”, “Wait a little while longer”, and in that time the fervor of the vocation falters for want of nourishment.  

Or discerners are told to come to the city for guidance.  Little good even the best formation at the heart of the city would be to those 60 miles away with no vehicle.  Worse yet, the use of dissolute priests, who hold their Divinely Ordained vocation in contempt, as spiritual directors!  

Their is a great deal said about vocations, and even a great many prayers offered.  But so long as nothing is done to reach discerners where they are (physically, maturity-wise, spiritually), then we are doomed to seeing the entire world become truly mission territory.

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So where does that leave your hatted servant?  Well-exposed, for sure. ;)

There has been one, ‘temptation’ I can no longer call it, avenue of discernment with me from the time of my Confirmation: founding.  The very word fills my head and heart with an astounding mix of joy and abject terror!  It is perhaps only this that lets me know the call that I heard in my youth has not passed me entirely by.  

I propose to explore an order of priests, serving in parishes, grounded in a (not yet solidified) masculine spirituality.  Life in community, a dedication to evangelizing men, to being a masculine presence in the parish.  In that I see a myriad of possibilities for the arrangement of particulars: habits, rules for the common life, rules for enclosure, and discipline, austerity, liturgical life.  I could, at a moment’s notice lay out 3 or 4 variations of this proposed order, each stirring my courage and strength.